The Experience of Growing Up Kinky and Same-Sex Attracted

I’m a bit curious about other people’s experiences growing up both kinky and same-sex attracted.  A lot of the gay/bi/pan people I know talk about feeling really stressed upon first becoming aware of their sexual orientations. I personally never felt that in relation to my attraction to women but I did feel a lot of the things people talk about feeling upon becoming aware of their own same-sex attraction in relation to my kinky tendencies.

I started having kink related fantasies during very early primary school. At the time, I had no idea what was going on. All I knew was I felt all tingly when I thought about things that people were supposed to dislike and avoid and I kind of wanted people to do those things to me.  At the time it was mostly spanking. However, I did have a bit of a fascination with kidnapping as a child which I no longer have in spite of the fact my kinks have diversified quite a bit since then. For years, I thought there was something seriously wrong with me. I was sure that I must be the only person in existence to have those thoughts. I was terrified of the consequences if someone were to find out and constantly paranoid that my behaviour would somehow make it obvious.  As I became a bit older I also started to fear that it would prevent me from ever forming meaningful romantic relationships.

I started to realise I liked girls around the end of primary school/beginning of high school (we don’t have middle school here in Australia for any Americans who might have been confused). At that point, after spending so long stressing over my kink related preferences it seemed almost insignificant in comparison.  I wasn’t exactly happy about it. I was just starting to recognize that my kinky fantasies were somewhat sex related.  I definitely had a fleeting thought of “Seriously, as if I wasn’t already weird enough. Now this too?” However, in some respects, it was accompanied by a sense of relief because at least this was something I understood. I had heard other people talk about it. They didn’t always say complimentary things, I grew up amongst evangelical Protestants, but they said enough for me to know that this was a thing other people experienced with some frequency. At the time, that knowledge was enough for me to feel reasonably comfortable with it.

It wasn’t until a couple of years after that that I got online and found out that kink is actually fairly common and it wasn’t until university that I started to meet people in real life who were also kinky. Now days I’m almost as out about kink as I am about my attraction to women, even my mother knows (and I’m pretty sure she told my grandfather *sigh*).  Everyone has been fairly supportive though. I think I’ve actually received more judgmental comments about being into women than being into kink which was quite unexpected.

Anyway, for those who are also both kinky and same-sex attracted and feel like sharing their experiences. Which did you become aware of first? Did your feelings about one have an impact on your feelings about the other? If so how?

The Tale of a Mage (part 18)

“Isolyn” King Horrik chuckled “You have grown much since I last enjoyed your company. I have heard news of your escape from your mother’s castle. It seems she is in quite the frenzy over it. You and your friends are welcome to stay in my kingdom for as long as you would like. Should your mother arrive here seeking you my people will protect you. However, I cannot risk my people in a war that I may not win. We are safe within these walls. Your mother’s magic cannot touch us here. Should we assist you in your aims it could mean the end of Dwarven society. That, I cannot allow.”

“I understand” Izzy dipped her head in acknowledgement “We thank you for your hospitality.”

“You are most welcome” Horrik beamed “I do have one favour to ask of you. There is a human pirate who has been making a nuisance of herself in the shopping district. I have sent my sentries after her many times however she has proved rather slippery. If you and your companions could handle the problem for me I would be much obliged.”

“Consider it done.” Izzy bowed once again.

“Excellent!” Horrik clapped his hands together “You and your companions should join us for dinner.”

“I thank you for the offer” Izzy smiled graciously “but my companions and I are weary from travel and would like to retire for the evening.”

“Of course,” Horrik inclined his head “Malcolm will show you to your rooms and see that food is delivered to you.”

“We are most appreciative. Enjoy the rest of your evening.” Izzy gave Horrik one last bow and followed Malcolm out of the dining room the rest of the group trailing behind her.

They followed Malcolm down several interconnecting corridors before he paused in front of a door.

“This room shall be yours for the duration of your stay, Princess Isolyn.” He gestured towards the door for emphasis.

“You have my thanks.” Izzy smiled. “Come along, Cassandra. We need to talk about the incident at that village.” Izzy pushed the door open and strode into the room Cassandra following apprehensively.

“Okay, then. You keep following me.” Malcolm glanced in Livia’s direction. Livia nodded and complied tugging Nyx behind her. Nyx cast a last imploring look at the closing door. She could feel that tonight would not go well for her.

“I’m not even sure where to begin!” Cassandra squirmed in response to Izzy’s disappointed tone. She sat down on the side of the bed beginning to fidget as Izzy started to pace. “You know I love you, Cassandra.” Izzy paused fixing her eyes on her agitated girlfriend. Cassandra nodded. “What were you thinking, Cass?” Izzy sighed.

“I wasn’t thinking” Cassandra whispered “It had been so long since I had been to a town. I was just excited…”

“You have a magic wielding Queen and the entirety of her army out searching for you.” Izzy gently lifted Cassandra’s chin to make eye contact with her. “You do not have the luxury of failing to think before you act. When you and Nyx decided to have a little night out not only did you put yourselves at risk, you put Livia and myself at risk, but worst of all you put a village of people who are innocent in all this in a dangerous situation.”

“I know” Cassandra burst into tears “It won’t happen again, I promise.”

“That is absolutely right,” Izzy sat down on the bed next to her “It will not happen again. I’m going to make sure of that.” Izzy took a firm hold of Cassandra’s arm and gently guided her over her lap.

“I’m really sorry, Izzy” Cassandra sobbed “I won’t do it again. Please don’t…”

“I know you’re sorry.” Izzy rubbed her hand in circles on Cassandra’s back. “I’m sure you’ve learned from the experience and won’t do anything exactly like this again. However, you might forget to think before you act again creating a different but similarly dangerous situation. I cannot allow that to happen. I am going to punish you so in the future you remember to think about the potential consequences of your actions. Besides…” Izzy stroked Cassandra’s hair. “You still feel terrible about the fire. Being punished will make you feel better.” Cassandra nodded and buried her face in the blankets.

Izzy removed her hand from Cassandra’s hair. Cassandra sobbed harder at the loss of contact. Seconds later Izzy’s hand fell on her bottom with a crisp smack. Cassandra left out a startled yelp and continued to cry. Several more swats fell as Izzy settled into a rhythm working her way back and forth between both cheeks, ensuring no part of Cassandra’s bottom remained un-smacked. She spanked hard enough to cause discomfort, to reinforce her disappointment, but not hard enough to bruise. Cassandra was already sorry, there was no need to provide an excessive punishment. Izzy left a few seconds between each smack allowing Cassandra to feel it’s full effects before delivering the next. After the first few rounds of smacks, Izzy paused.

“I won’t lose you, Cass.” She pushed Cassandra’s skirt up and pulled down her underclothes.” Her palm landed on Cassandra’s bottom again. She didn’t smack any harder than she had before but it hurt much more on a bare bottom.

“I’m sorry, Izzy. I’m so, so, sorry…” Cassandra’s sobs increased in volume and she reached a hand back to cover her bottom.

“I know, love.” Izzy took Cassandra’s hand in her own, their fingers interlaced as Izzy guided it to the small of her back. Izzy continued to hold her hand as she recommenced the spanking. “I have already forgiven you and once this is over you will forgive yourself too. As your future queen, I command it.”

Cassandra did her best to hold still, show Izzy she accepted this, knew she deserved it, but it hurt. Cassandra was unaccustomed to being spanked. She could barely remember her parents. For most her childhood, prior to being taken by the queen, it had just been her and Nyx. Nyx was hardly a disciplinarian.  The more Izzy spanked the more Cassandra squirmed. Every so often Izzy would pause to readjust her position. Her bottom burned but it was certainly not as bad as burning to death would have been. God, she hoped no one had died in that fire. The spanking felt never ending but, on some level, she welcomed the pain. At last, as she began to feel she couldn’t possibly take any more, Izzy stopped and started to rub her back once again.

“It’s over now” Izzy’s tone was soothing “you did so well, Cass.” Izzy gently lifted Cassandra from her lap and wrapped her arms around her. Cassandra clung to Izzy, still crying but more softly now.

“I love you, Cass.” Izzy brushed her lips against her forehead.

“I love you too, Izzy.” Cassandra mumbled, squeezing her even tighter.

The Tale of a Mage (part 17)

Much to her chagrin, Nyx remained bound for the remainder of their journey. The mood remained tense as the days passed. Nyx and Livia exchanged glares at every available opportunity. Cassandra, being the forgiving type, attempted to engage Nyx in friendly conversation however she maintained a certain wariness which hadn’t been present prior to Nyx’s attempt at murder. Nyx responded to her attempts at reconciliation with a series of half-hearted grunts not quite ready to forgive her sister for failing to take her side. Each time Cassandra appeared slightly more dejected but she kept trying none the less. Izzy was the only member of their party who did not appear at least somewhat agitated having reassumed her air of impassivity.

Izzy continued Cassandra’s magic lessons every evening when they made camp. The muted yet increasingly frequent squeals of excitement which Cassandra emitted throughout the lessons indicated to Nyx she was finally mastering basic protection spells. However, the effects of said spells were not apparent to Nyx.

Livia had begun teaching Cassandra to use a sword insisting a hunted woman needed greater means to defend herself than just magic. The two were getting along sickeningly well which was proving highly detrimental to Nyx’s plans to show Cassandra of how monstrous Livia truly was. Nyx watched Cassandra giggle in response to something Livia had said with a groan of disgust. Why did Livia have to be so nice to her? Not to say that Nyx wanted Livia to hurt her sister however one would think she could be at least be a little gruff with her, show her true colours on occasion, do something which would make Cassandra at least a little mistrustful of her. It was quite rude of her, really, to come between Cassandra and herself by being so… agreeable. It was difficult for anyone not to be kind to Cassandra though, Queen Cerise excluded of course. She was just so sweet, so naïve. She seemed to bring out almost everyone’s protective instincts. Nyx continued watching her with a sigh. For the moment, as she spoke to Livia she looked happy. Nyx’s refusal to engage with Cassandra was starting to take its toll. The expression which appeared on Cassandra’s face with each rebuff resembled that of a kicked puppy. As angry as Nyx was at Cassandra’s betrayal she was becoming increasingly angrier with herself.

It was late in the evening four days after the incident with the arrow when they finally reached the Dwarven Kingdom. Mountainous stone walls reaching towards the sky greeted them as they arrived at the gates. Nyx craned her neck to see the top of the walls. Sentries marched back and forth along the walls’ summit maintaining vigilant watch over the forest beyond. The light of their torches shone down bathing the group in warm light.

“I wish to speak to King Horrik.” Izzy shouted to the sentries nearest the gate. The group waited in silence as the sentries mumbled amongst themselves. At last a stout dwarf with a long orange beard peered down the wall at them.

“And who the bloody hell are you?” He barked his eyes squinted in suspicion.

“I am an old friend of your king.” Izzy met his stare with a calm intensity. The dwarf took a step backwards and the mumbling recommenced.

Several minutes dragged by as the mumbling began more heated. Just as Nyx was beginning to suspect their journey had been for nothing the gate rumbled open. The orange bearded dwarf clambered down a set of stairs which were carved into the wall.

“I’m Malcolm” he held his hand out to Izzy who grasped it firmly.

“Isolyn” She indicated in response. Malcolm’s eyes widened in recognition.

“I shall escort you to the king however if I find you have lied about the nature of your relationship with him I shall see you regret it. These walls are enchanted to suppress magic. Your sorcery will not help you here.” Malcolm let go of Izzy’s hand and started off down the cobbled path.

“Well, it’s a good thing I’m telling you the truth then.” Izzy headed after him and the rest of the group followed her lead.

They made their way through winding streets. Livia tugged Nyx along behind her by the rope which bound her wrists. Nyx took in her surroundings as they walked. The streets were lined with small stone houses. Lights flickered invitingly in the windows and Nyx shivered, the thought of a warm fire intensifying the chill of the crisp night air.  They passed rows of shops and a tavern from which the sounds of lively music and boisterous chatter emanated. The streets were filled with the aroma of spiced meats wafting from the many food carts which lined their sides at random intervals. Many citizens paused to survey the unfamiliar travellers in a combination of confusion and curiosity.

Before long they reached the palace. The building was fashioned from exquisitely carved marble blocks. Gilded domes topped its many towers, sparkling in the light of sentry torches. Nyx momentarily contemplated her chances of getting away with climbing up and chipping some of it off. That was a lot of gold after all. She quickly dismissed the idea. The palace was crawling with sentries. Enormous doors swung open to greet them and Malcolm led then inside. It doors lead straight into the royal dining room. The walls were lined with roaring fires. Nyx sighed in contentment in response to the warmth. The room was filled with long tables. The tables were laden with meats, breads, and pitchers of ale. At each table sat twenty dwarves conversing cheerfully as they indulged in the offered food and drink. At the far end of the room was a table elevated upon a dais. At the head of that table sat a dark haired dwarf his head adorned with a golden crown. Izzy marched swiftly towards the dais. Malcolm matched her pace. She paused only once she stood before the king.

“King Horrik” Izzy bowed “you once told me you believed it would be to the benefit of your people were I to rule in place of my mother. My travel companions and I come to you today to request your assistance in achieving that end.” Nyx stared at Izzy incredulously she had thought they were here to seek sanctuary. This was the first she had heard about an attempt to overthrow the queen. She groaned. All she had wanted was to rescue Cassandra. What had she got herself into?