The Experience of Growing Up Kinky and Same-Sex Attracted

I’m a bit curious about other people’s experiences growing up both kinky and same-sex attracted.  A lot of the gay/bi/pan people I know talk about feeling really stressed upon first becoming aware of their sexual orientations. I personally never felt that in relation to my attraction to women but I did feel a lot of the things people talk about feeling upon becoming aware of their own same-sex attraction in relation to my kinky tendencies.

I started having kink related fantasies during very early primary school. At the time, I had no idea what was going on. All I knew was I felt all tingly when I thought about things that people were supposed to dislike and avoid and I kind of wanted people to do those things to me.  At the time it was mostly spanking. However, I did have a bit of a fascination with kidnapping as a child which I no longer have in spite of the fact my kinks have diversified quite a bit since then. For years, I thought there was something seriously wrong with me. I was sure that I must be the only person in existence to have those thoughts. I was terrified of the consequences if someone were to find out and constantly paranoid that my behaviour would somehow make it obvious.  As I became a bit older I also started to fear that it would prevent me from ever forming meaningful romantic relationships.

I started to realise I liked girls around the end of primary school/beginning of high school (we don’t have middle school here in Australia for any Americans who might have been confused). At that point, after spending so long stressing over my kink related preferences it seemed almost insignificant in comparison.  I wasn’t exactly happy about it. I was just starting to recognize that my kinky fantasies were somewhat sex related.  I definitely had a fleeting thought of “Seriously, as if I wasn’t already weird enough. Now this too?” However, in some respects, it was accompanied by a sense of relief because at least this was something I understood. I had heard other people talk about it. They didn’t always say complimentary things, I grew up amongst evangelical Protestants, but they said enough for me to know that this was a thing other people experienced with some frequency. At the time, that knowledge was enough for me to feel reasonably comfortable with it.

It wasn’t until a couple of years after that that I got online and found out that kink is actually fairly common and it wasn’t until university that I started to meet people in real life who were also kinky. Now days I’m almost as out about kink as I am about my attraction to women, even my mother knows (and I’m pretty sure she told my grandfather *sigh*).  Everyone has been fairly supportive though. I think I’ve actually received more judgmental comments about being into women than being into kink which was quite unexpected.

Anyway, for those who are also both kinky and same-sex attracted and feel like sharing their experiences. Which did you become aware of first? Did your feelings about one have an impact on your feelings about the other? If so how?

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