I’m a bit curious about other people’s experiences growing up both kinky and same-sex attracted. A lot of the gay/bi/pan people I know talk about feeling really stressed upon first becoming aware of their sexual orientations. I personally never felt that in relation to my attraction to women but I did feel a lot of the things people talk about feeling upon becoming aware of their own same-sex attraction in relation to my kinky tendencies.
I started having kink related fantasies during very early primary school. At the time, I had no idea what was going on. All I knew was I felt all tingly when I thought about things that people were supposed to dislike and avoid and I kind of wanted people to do those things to me. At the time it was mostly spanking. However, I did have a bit of a fascination with kidnapping as a child which I no longer have in spite of the fact my kinks have diversified quite a bit since then. For years, I thought there was something seriously wrong with me. I was sure that I must be the only person in existence to have those thoughts. I was terrified of the consequences if someone were to find out and constantly paranoid that my behaviour would somehow make it obvious. As I became a bit older I also started to fear that it would prevent me from ever forming meaningful romantic relationships.
I started to realise I liked girls around the end of primary school/beginning of high school (we don’t have middle school here in Australia for any Americans who might have been confused). At that point, after spending so long stressing over my kink related preferences it seemed almost insignificant in comparison. I wasn’t exactly happy about it. I was just starting to recognize that my kinky fantasies were somewhat sex related. I definitely had a fleeting thought of “Seriously, as if I wasn’t already weird enough. Now this too?” However, in some respects, it was accompanied by a sense of relief because at least this was something I understood. I had heard other people talk about it. They didn’t always say complimentary things, I grew up amongst evangelical Protestants, but they said enough for me to know that this was a thing other people experienced with some frequency. At the time, that knowledge was enough for me to feel reasonably comfortable with it.
It wasn’t until a couple of years after that that I got online and found out that kink is actually fairly common and it wasn’t until university that I started to meet people in real life who were also kinky. Now days I’m almost as out about kink as I am about my attraction to women, even my mother knows (and I’m pretty sure she told my grandfather *sigh*). Everyone has been fairly supportive though. I think I’ve actually received more judgmental comments about being into women than being into kink which was quite unexpected.
Anyway, for those who are also both kinky and same-sex attracted and feel like sharing their experiences. Which did you become aware of first? Did your feelings about one have an impact on your feelings about the other? If so how?
This evening I was reading the post over on Anna’s blog about compatibility between spanking partners and I felt inspired to write a short post about my own preferences in regards to spanking. I’m pretty sure I’ve said most of this already over at the Global Village however it was spread over a number of different comment threads and time periods. I figured this would be a good place to put it all together and let newer people get to know me a little better.
I define myself as a switch, however, I lean more towards the submissive side of things. I prefer being spanked but I also enjoy giving spankings. As a bottom, I’m a bit of a masochist. I like to be spanked quite hard. I’m fond of bruises and if I’m not sore for at least a couple of days afterwards I tend to feel I wasn’t spanked hard enough. I’m adaptable as Top depending on the bottom’s preferences. I can do the purely erotic/sensual type of spanking or disciplinary kind. I can also do both caring or sadistic. I think I do have a bit of a sadistic streak I enjoy a bit of screaming and tears but only if the bottom is into that. I enjoy bratting as a bottom although I generally only do it if it has been pre-negotiated. I like to make sure the Top enjoys it before I do it. As a Top I’m quite fond of brats. Honestly, I think I can be a bit of a brat while topping. I’m quite fond of setting impossible/extremely difficult tasks and then giving my bottom a mildly sarcastic lecture about disobedience when they inevitably fail to complete them. My personal favourite is making them hold a full glass of water in each hand during sex, accompanied by an order not to spill any of it and a promise that they will be punished if they do.
As a bottom I have a desire for disciplinary spanking but not out of a belief it would help me improve myself or my life in any way. I have a bit of a discipline kink and roleplay doesn’t do much for me. Essentially, I want to be spanked as punishment for things I have actually done, preferably by someone who is at least mildly irritated while the spanking is taking place, but I want it because I think it’s hot not because I feel I need it or would benefit from it. In addition to enjoying discipline I also enjoy a bit of sadism I find a Top with an “I’m going to hurt you because I find it fun” kind of attitude hot. As a Top I don’t really have a strong preference for one kind of spanking over another I’m happy to go along with the bottom’s preferences.
I have a preference for positions which allow me to lean against something ie: OTK, over a bed, over a desk. My favourite position is over the knee but it’s not feasible for all implements. I don’t have a favourite implement. In my experience, the way an implement is used is more important than what is used. I prefer the types of spankings where smacks are given in quick succession with little pause in between. I like to feel a bit out of control in the sense of reaching that point where I’m involuntarily squirming and trying to get away. I find that doesn’t tend to happen when there’s enough time between swats for me to mentally prepare myself for the next one regardless of what implement is being used. I don’t tend to cry during spankings. I would like to someday be taken to that point, but I don’t tend to cry much in general so I don’t really see it happening.